In Chaos, That's Where...

6/19/22

Someone died in the neighborhood

Aetovahteia 6/19/2022

There's someone died in our neighborhood. It was all too sudden. I didn't know him and most likely so was he to me. But not's the story about.

It was supposed to be the usual face in our neighborhood where summer energy was on its peak. Everyone was on their spot fanning away their seasonal outburst of grumpiness towards the heat while kids were at their own phase, absorbed and oblivious to any kind of inconvenience. I was also planted to my seat and doing my actual task of listening to a podcast. I was absorbed too but still grounded to the other noises polluting the surrounding. Then I heard a few people panicking about something, the air seemed like it turned dry and heart stopping, and distant voices were trying to reach out something I couldn't make out. But given the jostling nature of our street, I was made to believe that nothing serious happened at that brief moment, like it was just a loud and confused noise and there's nothing worthy from it that I had to stand up and protrude my neck from our window just to check what was commotion I thought was happening. So I went through the day but still carrying that mystery at the back of my head which I felt really happened. That's when I asked my sister when she went upstairs and joined me in our working/study station. They were slouching in the second floor when that happened so I thought maybe they might have heard a little clearer bits of story from outside.

I almost missed tapping that one letter on my keyboard when she flatly told me that someone died from a heart attack. It was the guy named 'Nestor' who I knew of, he was more known as 'pilay' who rides an old-fashioned bicycle around the street as he couldn't walk because of his left leg. I was shocked. He was literally dead. I didn't know him personally but just by thinking that he was sitting there on the street corner while his bicycle, as I could picture it, resting against the wall, and he felt that throbbing pain against his chest and the last thing that everyone knew about he was already hovering between life and death on the ground while the world is still going on oblivious of that one life already being taking out. This reminds me of Virginia Woolf's Death of the Moth which I enjoyed reading back when I was in college. This short story is about the life of the moth which, from the perspective of the persona, was too small to be cared about by the world. When it was close to dying, the persona threw this question out almost like soliloquizing, in a world that so gigantic what is the death of a small specie in it? And when the persona thought that the moth has already lost any signs of life, she looked around and saw that the afternoon rush of autumn was still untouchable. The sky was still bleeding with colors of the season, birds were at their happy state as always, and the treetops were still whooshing its way along with the wind current. And not even a soul realized that a moth has just lost it life.

Thinking about what happened last Friday, how does it feel when you are just only about on your last few breaths before your death? And you are just doing your usual thing, like hanging by in the streetcorner, probably sitting and taking your time to tame any form of growing discomfort due to cruel summer, then after just a few blinks when you feel like you will just take another heartbeat, you're gone. Is this how life also looks like when you still have a long stretch of thread but suddenly something cut it off?

I remember the last part of my reading in Woolf's The Death of Moth when I said that life might be mysterious but at least we have an access on it. Unlike death, words we usually associate with it are just empty adjectives to materialize it but the truth is we don't know what death really is. Just as much as we have no idea when, where, and how does the death would knock us off. The thought might not yet be as scary as living and suffering in life, but can you imagine that you are just doing your normal day and the next that the people around you knows is you aren't breathing anymore?

How about your dreams? Those little whispers of what ifs and when that happens?

How about your secret manifestations in life?

How about your goals in every ten years of life? When you reach 30, 40, 50, and so on.

How about the life you haven't envisioned yet but still you want to experience once you get there?

How about the supposed many chances in life when you can't still figure out yet what you heart truly wants?

How about the many uncertainties you hated at first when you're starting but you know in time you'll realize that these are the things worthy of heart-pounding moments?

How about your dream for yourself? I know, you are still not closing the idea of having your own family, when you can build the home you have been longing for ever since you have already realized that you aren't really at home when growing up. When you can translate your love without judgements and when you can start your life anew with those people who you will entrust your worries and happiness to.

Even as much as we want to die at times, we know that deep in our hearts, we are still hoping for the world to just be gentle with us. We still want this life because of those people who chose us despite the reasons not to. We still want this life because we are not letting of go of that hope that maybe we just have to wait a little longer before we reach that contentment. We still want this life because it is still fun. At the end of the day, we only want nothing but to love and beloved.

5/7/22

I Dreamt About a Double Rainbow

Aetovahteia 5/07/2022

I know I had a good sleep when I woke up this morning with my dream still lingering in my groggy consciousness.

Today, I dreamt about a double rainbow. I was inside our home with my sister and nephew, looking out at the sky. At first, I was the only one who noticed the multicolored arch, but after a few blinks, there it was—another arch of wonder—a double rainbow! My gasp at the sight quickly drew their attention, and just like that, I woke up.

While working earlier, the dream kept crossing my mind. I couldn’t resist the urge to take a quick break and google its meaning—which I eventually did, but only after finishing my tasks. Since I was trying to avoid binge-watching Normal People (I’m on episode 7, by the way), I decided to dive into interpretations of what a double rainbow could symbolize in dreams.

According to what I read (and I read a lot), dreaming of a rainbow often symbolizes a turning point in life or a new beginning. Because seeing a rainbow in real life is so unpredictable, it’s said to represent unexpected changes on the horizon. In short, it signifies a shift in life’s course. How I wish that shift came with a pot of gold at the end of the arch! I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to suddenly be rich?

But what about a double rainbow?

Apparently, seeing a double rainbow in a dream symbolizes harmony, peace, and discovering your life’s purpose. How ironic, considering I’m in a phase where I feel deeply confused about what I want and what I should do. Could this dream be a sign? A nudge to just go through this stage, giving myself room to grow in my new profession, even amidst the uncertainty? Maybe it’s telling me that if I can’t embrace it despite my efforts, I should allow myself the freedom to move on.

One article I found (yes, I read several—what can I say, I needed validation) mentioned that seeing multiple rainbows in a dream indicates making peace with oneself. That interpretation felt both beautiful and comforting. Ever since I resigned from my first job, I’ve been living with a push-and-pull mindset. What if I hadn’t left? Would things be better now? Perhaps I’d be more at ease, enjoying a great work culture with my favorite teammates. But then again, maybe I’d be stagnant—working but not growing. I wouldn’t have faced the daily challenges that push me out of my comfort zone, nor would I have learned to confront fears head-on. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post or dreaming about double rainbows.

The same article suggested that my dream could reflect my struggles with identity and regrets over missed opportunities—burdens that are weighing me down and stunting my progress. However, the double rainbow is a sign of hope. It signifies that I’ll eventually overcome this phase and realize that the actions I take today will shape my future. Persistence, it seems, is the key to brighter days.

This dream felt as unexpected as a rainbow appearing out of nowhere. I don’t usually indulge in things like dream interpretations—they often feel superstitious. But right now, when my life feels unsteady, I find solace in the idea. Perhaps this small thing is what I need: a breather, a gentle reminder that the universe can offer something vague yet meaningful, disguised as what we’re searching for—a sign, validation, or reassurance. Sometimes, it’s enough to calm the heart and quiet the mind, a reminder that the world isn’t conspiring to overwhelm us. We’re just too caught up in our own doubts, letting them dull our excitement.

I hope to look back on this entry in a few months and see how far I’ve come. By then, I hope I’ll have adjusted to this new chapter of life. After all, there’s no way to deal with it but to face it head-on.

Good luck, friend!

1/23/22

Sound of Metal

Aetovahteia 1/23/2022

Along with the queue of all the Oscar-nominated films this year, the Sound of Metal was the first one I got to see. Having no heightened expectations at all, perhaps just a little exposure from Lou’s eyebrows on some Twitter posts, I got to watch the film with such an unfamiliar ease. I like to believe that since I haven’t seen the actors starred in any films I watched before, it helped me to see the Sound of Metal as what it was, with no influence of any existing attachment from their past roles, just from the film itself.

With the scene opening with Ruben, the noise seems all over the place when you have your earphones plugged onto your ears. Ruben was gripping his drumsticks and pounding its weight against the drum, his eyes were afloat but protruding with fixation. After seemingly staring at nowhere, his eyes from time to time keep coming back to Lou’s back whose vocals are madly screeching in the air. For an opening, this rather gave off a strong impression driven with all the aggressive distort of sound, emphatic rhythms, not knowing that by end of the film it would ironically end up in a different sound.

After finding out that most of his hearing lost, Ruben decided still to continue exposing himself to the harsh-sounding world of heavy metal music with the remaining of it at the stake. Perhaps, more than being afraid of losing what's still left to hear, it was the fear that he might not never play what's still there to be heard from him. Lou, his girlfriend, not knowing exactly what to do, has then decided to leave Ruben to persuade him to go back to the shelter they were once gone before since she was being worried about his wellbeing. Ruben had no choice but to dismiss his will of just going to the operation and instead submitting his uncertainty and trust to whatever the shelter can offer him.

Just like anyone else, Ruben can hardly cope up with everything since he can hear nothing. He was lost, almost always looking like giving up and running away from the harshness of the world. But still, he stayed. Every early in the morning he went to a vacant small room where on the table there's a notebook and a pen and his breakfast. He does not know what exactly he should do there, it was deafening, driving him crazy because he could not understand what's the logic behind that morning routine that he was asked to do.

Having used with the harsh sound of the world, Ruben found himself out of place in the dining area with people who can't speak but who were using sign languages to talk. He was alone. He was lonely. He badly wanted to bring back his hearing. So when he got the chance to undergo an operation, he felt that growing hope. He was supposed to be happy, that was probably what he was imagined to feel once the operation will be successful, and he never thought it would fail because why it would when he already sell their RV for an exchange of enough money? But Ruben, despite having his implants activated, was more than hopeless than happy because of its distorted sound. He flew to Paris where he met Lou's father first and had a rather uncomfortable but needed conversation. In the party, Lou and his father performed a duet and everyone seemed pleased but Ruben in the midst of the crowd felt that once familiar solitude. It was not the same solitude he felt in the shelter where it grew to him comfortable... after spending the night beside Lou, Ruben left while she was sleeping. He walked and listened to the distorted sound of the morning rush, and when he looked up to the ringing of a church bell he removed his implants and sat in silence.

This film was not exhausting to watch. It did not ask me to render an extra energy just so I can spot every possible metaphor if there is. It was pretty straightforward and something you can consume in one seating. Maybe if there is one thing I like to talk about, it is how loud the film opened, and how the level of noise slowly decreased as the story progressed, and ended with Ruben completely submitting to silence.

1/9/22

21 Things I Learned in 2021

Aetovahteia 1/09/2022

1. TRACK YOUR MONEY...CREATIVELY

I have been tracking the ins and outs of my money just few months after I started working. Sure, it was strenuous in the beginning and tested so much of my commitment, but as the saying goes, what's worth doing is worth doing well so I just had to embrace the challenge of making it as a habit.

I think what helped also is the idea of incorporating my fancy in journaling to my money tracker. By purchasing a decent journal and making use of some washi tapes and colored pens, it made me enthusiastic to write out my expenditures.

This forced commitment has become my bi-weekly habit since then. It is effective to review your previous expenses and compute your budget to meet your required target savings for the whole month.

Doing this might be exhausting– and makes you feel obligated (which is a must, actually) but putting your own creativity actually works on me. So, it is always a trial and error but once you find your own groove on something it will be exciting to look forward doing it.

2. KASYA SA ALKANSYA

I bought myself a coin bank last December 2019. So, maybe I have been using it already for a little over two years now. It was initially for my monito at work but I decided to keep it for myself since it has a vintage design lol. I wasn't even planning to put my coins religiously, but it just happened that I started making it a habit whenever I have some extra 5 and 10 pesos with me.

I haven't opened the coin bank nor have I planned of doing it any time soon. So, I just let it sit there on its spot and let myself enjoy the fancy of saving up coins for the future.

3. THE WORLD IS SINKING...SAVE YOUR SELF-- FINANCIALLY

This year I also learned to open few savings account like EastWest's KOMO and CIMB. Since I just withdraw cash only if I had to, I took up my courage to put some of my savings into other online banks which have higher interest rates compared to my current bank account. Doing this helps me to divide my funds depending on their function. For example, I use my EastWest's KOMO to transfer money as a bi-weekly contribution to Mama's budget. Since opening an account comes with a free debit card, Mama is not tempted to spend money on the things which we don't need for the time being. I am also notified whenever she uses the card to buy groceries through text and can check the balance from time to time using their app. Basically this savings account is for Mama, the one that is really for me is my CIMB account which I am not active of using it yet. I have put more than 1000 as of now but planning next year to cash in 500 every payroll. I like to use this account for my emergency fund.

As early as possible, once you start getting your pay, discipline yourself to be mindful of your money. Track your expenses, target a specific savings every payroll, estimate the amount that you can only spend, be strict to your budget plan, set goals for your every savings account, and lastly treat yourself because you deserve it!

4. CASHBACK IS REAL!

Only this year when I learned about the beauty of cashback. It was also the same time when I installed PayMaya and discovered about its missions to their users. These missions guarantee a cashback voucher whenever you complete it within their guidelines. The first few days I used PayMaya, I was able to get around 400 pesos something which I cashed in to my Lazada and used to purchase items. Cashback is real, indeed!

So if you want to save up a little, then maximize the function of cashback for your next purchase! It helps, I swear.

5. DIARY OF A WIMPY ADULT

I have an on-and-off relationship with my diary on my phone. For the past years, I tried different applications and even used the traditional journals to keep a daily record of my experiences, however, none seemed to work. Only this year that I realized that it is not because of those things that I wasn't able to keep a diary every day but because of my wavering commitment and procrastination. I learned that I had to keep making myself guilty whenever I am too lazy to submit a journal entry. And it actually worked. I think that's a must when you're just starting to build a new habit. It requires your immense effort and continuous work until it becomes a part of yourself.

It is such an achievement when you are able to write an entry especially every day. The feeling is the same with ASMR, the process of taking a moment of silence while trying to expand your memory of what happened to you at that day and reaching the most highlighted parts is pretty amazing. It is like meditation. The activity of easing your mind free from worries and just eliminate the trivial things to write the moments you want to keep is very helpful to every breathless-in-life adult.

6. なまえわ　なんですか。

This year I decided to continue learning Japanese language by heart. I remember those hard times during college when I couldn't stuck the Japanese numbers in my brain. The memory is still fresh when it was announced that I got zero in our quiz and our sensei had this mixture of shock and disappointment on her face. At that time, I was more interested in Korean language that's why it was hard for me to absorb things in a Japanese way. But now, I am a changed woman with a flammable passion to learn the language for my future with Yuki Ishikawa. It is Yuki Ishikawa who made me interested in Nihongo but what made me stay was my conviction to learn something new and prove that I can do it despite the hurdles. And this is what I am still doing.

Whenever I am studying Nihongo and understand the topics, I am thrilled with joy. Even recognizing Japanese characters may it be Hiragana, Katakana, or Kanji, I couldn't help but beam with so much excitement, what more when I set my pace first but eventually able to read the whole Japanese word??? すぐい!

7. WORKOUT TO WORK THINGS OUT.

Who would have thought that I would be committed to work out this 2021? Myself couldn't even believe it as well. Doing some workouts in the morning is absolutely and undeniably a struggle. Why would I exercise when I am already tired physically and mentally? Why would I exercise when I am satisfied already with my body? Why would I exercise when I simply don't want to? Why?

Those are just some of my questions to the world when half of myself was still convincing me to at least try to workout just to test the water. Last 2020, I gained so much weight that I couldn't believe that I actually have the ability to weigh more kilograms just by working at home. This realization came later than it should and starched until the 2021. And it was my first time being conscious of how I look in terms of my weight. This turned slowly to almost an insecurity which I tried to abolish right away by deciding to finally workout. And so I did.

The experience might not be life changing, at least for me, but for months (although not consistently) of trying to get fit by working out every time I have a spare time during my shift, I saw some little changes. I feel lighter and not conscious anymore and for some reason I was able to appreciate the grandeur of exercising. I am not only seeing it now as it is, but more of a ground to hone my discipline in taking care of my body. Along the way, I also learned to eat more greens, less oily food, and just consume food the balanced way.

Health is wealth, as they say, and it may sound so cliché but it is true when adults say it because I am adult myself now.

8. WORK-AND-LIFE BALANCE

One of the things I learned especially during the pandemic in 2021 is utilizing my rest days. My offs are on weekend and admittedly at first I wasn't able to manage those days like I have been doing now. I remember that I will just complain about how stressful the past weekdays and be completely somber about it and that's it. The cycle continues with me being me during weekdays or working days then will just spend the whole weekend with me being me again but sulky. But as I started adjusting in the pandemic life and work from home setup, I learned to manage my whole schedule from the moment I start my day until I turn off my phone to sleep. I learn to wake up just right on time with enough space for my morning routine since it is WFH I found it most comfortable to take a bath using the half hour of my lunch break. Then I also manage my time even during work by making sure that I finish my job on or before my end shift. Doing this helps me to have an allowance of time to do some little things like gawking at the wall or dead scrolling on my phone.

While my weekend, I usually spend my Saturday doing almost nothing that requires my strength and brain cells. I just let myself be lazy on that day without making myself guilty. Saturday also means No Ligo Day and I don't care if I don't smell like a fresh-from-the-bath person, I just want that day to be that way. It is my hibernation day. A day to relax my muscles and regain my lost energies from the past weekdays to perform my work tasks at best.

On the other hand, my Sunday is about me being productive but not on any working-related activities. I spend this day to wake up early to do household chores especially cleaning my work station and its surrounding. While in the afternoon, I will keep up on my Japanese lessons and visit my blog in case I am in the right mind to write and write.

Money is not only thing we divide, our time and days also. I learned that overworking is not equivalent to hard work, but time management is. Give yourself a time to take your mind off your work. It is important to your mental health and emotional stability.

9. MAKE UP TO MAKE THINGS UP.

Maybe I am already too late to say this, but make up is an art. I used to judge people especially girls who, despite their young age, already know how to use make up. But now, bow down to the queens. I have never thought that I would be satisfied watching makeup tutorial videos across my socmeds. Looking back, I used to scoff at them. I really hate myself for that. If it weren't for these tutorials, I won't have any idea on how to use concealer or what shade is compatible to my complexion (which I still don't know) but I am still learning.

I learned that we have our own outlets that can boost our confidence. Some may be comfortable being only focused on skincare, others might be more into beauty care, whatever it is, respect them and if you can't just don't say anything because they never ask for your opinion. Period.

10. YOUR HAIR NEEDS AN EXTRA CARE.

Hair is the girl's crowning glory. And I don't believe at it when I was growing up. I don't care much of myself back then, I used to think that I don't really care about anything that people will throw at me but as I grow up and started working it dawn at me that the reason why I am not taking care of myself is also because of them, so it has always been them. Now that I am working, I realize that it might not bluntly pronounced but it is important that you equally take care of your appearance as much as with you health. Stop thinking that you should or shouldn't do something because of them. Take care of yourself and make yourself confident by doing your looks for yourself.

My hair might not be my crowning glory, but I should take care of it. I learned this year that it is more damaging when you do not comb your hair than you actually do. When I started using Gugo't Lawat shampoo I noticed that my hair feels lighter and healthier than it was before. I think it helps that it is organic and paraben-free and sulfate-free which is nice to my hair. I also reduce shampooing my hair every day, only just two to three times a week to let it natural oil produce. While some other days that I don't use it, I either wash my hair only with water or use conditioner for extra care on my hair ends.

11. LEAN IN TO YOUR SKIN.

It's a no brainer, that's why I feel like I had no brain back in the days when I was too stubborn to take care of my skin. This negligence has become my haunted insecurity when I was growing up. I couldn't wear clothes without having to consider if my scars and all my skin imperfections will be visible. It has been my long-time struggle. I feel like everyday is a slumber party, wearing pajamas not to actually have fun but to cover up my imperfections.

I may be late now to redeem myself of the chance to take care of myself, but I guess it is better late than never, isn't it?

Take care of your skin as early as you could. You can have fun without comprising your self. You'll soon realize that it is also a form of self-care and we all need that.

12. DRINK YOUR WATER, BEACH.

Cliché as may it seems, but we really have to take in more water than we should. Like some beauty products, the long-time effect of water can really test your patience.

Is it really beneficial? Does it really make your skin healthy?

But why I feel bloated than healthy? Why is my skin doesn't look glassy when I have been gulping more glasses of water?

More than stressing out myself from questioning the universe why I have to establish such relationship with water, maybe we can shift to thinking that we get to be hydrated when we do it. After all, I think, it is better to be bloated than dehydrated.

13. MAY KWENTA ANG PODCAST.

I learned about podcast way back in 2020. We were already working at home when I got to listen for the first time ever to Joyce Pring's Adulting 101. It was such a momentous discovery for me since aside from doing the actual work, I have no other options to maximize my opportunity to do other stuff except taking a quick nap. But ever since I started listening to a podcast and put it within my routine, it created a dynamic force in my stagnant working life.

It was a game changer. The experience I get from doing it is like I am eavesdropping a group of friends who are talking about random things that make sense. I think podcast has been one of my few companions throughout this pandemic.

14. EAT SLOWLY.

One of the things that actually worked on me during also this year is to slow myself down while taking my food.

I used to eat fast especially when I had pending tasks that need to accomplish on or before my end shift. However, it came to me later that doing such routine means that I have been compromising my time to relax. I think it also boils down from the fact that I used to mess up my time management which then affected even my eating habit.

Now, like I said on my eight lesson, I learned to take my time off work by maximizing my 1-hour lunch break and two 15-minute short breaks. Doing this has effectively helps me to catch my breath, and reminds me that taking my lunch is not a racing competition that needs my speed, but a recreation that needs my attention.

15. DO HOUSEHOLD CHORES.

So, this is what happens when you reach that point in your life where doing household chores feels like you're doing a morning meditation?

I don't know but that's what I feel-- not always though, but there came some points in my life, when I allot time to do some chores before I start my day.

Doing household has been therapeutic to me. It sets my mind into focus, the feeling is almost like when I am writing in my journal. The only thing I am connected to is either that broom or that rag in my hand. It requires me to live in the present by dismissing other stuff.

16. NEED VS. WANT

My first purchase online was in 2020, I think it was already few months after the height of the pandemic. It was a tough year since for some reason I became impulsive on buying things that I don't need. I never had any experience of online buying/shopping before that phase, so everything felt new and exciting but irresponsible.

During the year 2021, when I finally got into my senses. It dawned on me that I have to hold myself back and think and rethink before placing an order. I have to keep asking myself if I really need this one and if my budget wouldn't be put into compromising. I had to keep putting myself in a mental interrogation room for more than a week (sometimes it lasts for a month or so) just to ensure that I am buying things not for the fancy of doing it, but because it is something that will contribute to my general productivity.

17. JOIN WEBINARS OR WORKSHOPS.

Also this year, for the record, that I joined several online webinars and workshops. Those times were the toughest ones having to urge myself on waking up earlier than my set alarm and listening while fighting off myself from not dozing off.

Attending such activities might not change the course of your life, but it is great to hear someone educate you on important matters. With my experience, I decided last year to participate in a leadership program at work. It was nerve-wracking to do activities that requires me to discuss things to my team and shadow people of the higher positions. I guess that was the hardest part of the training-- talking. Anyway, the reason why I joined such training was because I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to relive nervousness in me. I wanted to challenge myself outside the things I usually do at work. That's why. It actually helped me.

18. DECLUTTER YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA.

Uninstalling Twitter was one of the hardest decision I had to make, although I knew it was necessary for my mental health. When Facebook was no longer something I need for my social life, it was Twitter that helped me in many little aspects. It is a platform built in with news updates, latest trends, and random tweets about anything-- anything like everything including dark tweets.

When I was struggling mentally back in 2019, my feed was heaving with depressive contents. And when something felt relatable, it was as if you're relieved because you're not only one experiencing such depth of loneliness. On Twitter, you are always bombarded with so much information and opinions, and it was overwhelming. Instead you consume it, it is the one that consume you. That's why, even it took long enough, I decided to finally uninstall it last year. It was hard at first since it had been a part of my everyday life, but I had to keep myself away from that black hole. It might helped me for sure but in the long run I realized that I had been going in and around the same cycle and there's no progress in doing that. After deleting Twitter, there's something changed, I don't know exactly what it is, but I don't feel stuck as much as I was back then.

Also before 2021 ended, I installed my Facebook just to declutter it. I unfriended people I did not know, unfollow pages, delete some posts, and add people that contributes something in my life. It looks clean now but still I uninstalled it afterwards.

19. TAKE A PICTURE, IT WILL LAST LONGER.

I am still camera shy. But in 2021, I learned to take photos and have photographs of me taken. Maybe I am getting older now and realized that while I am still young, I had to have something to remind me of things and myself. It's kind of hard to look back on things when you have to scan through your memory files and filter the ones you need at the moment. Memory can be our mental storage but it is still nice when you have a photograph that can visually and vividly reminds you of the bygone days.

20. VOICE OUT. SPEAK UP.

One of the things that made me quit Twitter was the overwhelming pressure of having to be politically involved. When I opened my Twitter, I was immediately bombarded with a myriad of tweets. I may be informed and educated, but the little energy I had after being exhausted from work was consumed at the last bit. It fueled my anxiety. I felt bad at some point when I can't speak up and voice out like others. I hated myself for not being as active as the ones I am following on Twitter. That's why I took a break just to take my mind off the pressure and also for my mental health. I knew that it is my responsibility to participate in the noise, but I have to shut down the unwanted noises in my mind first. I have to put my well being at the top of my priorities.

This 2022, the upcoming election will be our chance to vote the right and deserving candidates and unvote the ones who never wanted to serve the people. I learned that one vote can take us an inch to the change we have been dreaming of. Vote wisely!

21. DEATH.

1/5/22

Year-End Countdown: Film & Series Edition

Aetovahteia 1/05/2022

It is strange that we have been five days past the 2021. Looking back we were still trying to make end meets, thinking that we might barely survive the year so we're silently praying for the universe to give us even just a belated plot twist. No plot twist to me, though.

If 2020 felt like a passerby, the year followed felt almost like a bird of passage. It wasn't as quick and blurry, but kind of in a hopeful phase- taking more time then to test the water, to wait for a different trajectory, but still moving persistent. With the stretch of pandemic from a catastrophic 2019, everything has to still fit in with the new normal- just like cinema, which for more than a year has also had to compress their ambitions to a smaller screen.

Then the big screen came back later in 2021, but people are bothered with the threat of the pandemic still lurking in the corner. I haven't taken the bold chance to set foot in any theaters. I think if it weren't for streaming platforms like Netflix and other creative options (LOL) I wouldn't be able to maximize my watching experience. So, as this year finally ended, here are the movies and series that outline my 2021.

1. ONE SPRING NIGHT

I started One Spring Night later in 2020. This one might not be my favorite of all the Kdramas I have watched so far, but it is memorable. It was the first series that I made a not-so review about. It helped me to write again after a long while.

If there's one thing that made me not back out from watching it, it was probably because of its bold depiction of what life is. The characters are all faulty and human, you see yourself from their decisions, and their often stubborn refusal to look at the things, almost made me quit because it's too real and annoying to watch.

It also tackles different significant issues that are especially taboo in Asian countries like South Korea. It is a slow burn and I am not really sure if everyone would enjoy its phasing since you need an extra energy to appreciate this series from its silent moments of reconsideration to every character's determined pursuit of love and tender beginning of a new life.

2. HYMN OF DEATH

This limited drama series was unexpectedly good. It was short, no argument, but I enjoyed it from the beginning until its final episode. I think, looking back, I realized that this series is already good enough to have three episodes. It doesn't need to be loaded with dramas, twists and turns, and surprise endings. The amount of melancholia both shared by the characters sufficed the tragedy of their fates. In a world that deprived them of the chance to live freely, they jump their way out even if it will take them to their own's grave just for the pursuit of the life they ever wanted for themselves.

3. THE SMILE HAS LEFT YOUR EYES

After Cheese in the Trap and Reply 1988, finally I found another favorite to put in my list. These three series tortured me the most, crumpled my sanity, and left me with regretful longing. The Smile has left you Eyes, just from the title, is already giving me the impression of profound loneliness and oppressive emptiness. It is not recommendable if you are not welcoming to these emotions. Throughout the series, it is quite evident that they never want you to be tickled with colorful butterflies nor with any kind of sweet moments to take delight in whenever you feel that romantic helplessness. It just wants you to suffer- a plain motive.

So, if you want to suffer, then that's when I want to recommend this series. It will surely does make your smile leave your eyes.

4. FLIP A COIN

When I thought that I had to just wait for the days to come before One Ok Rock's concert in Manila will finally happen, there came the unsought pandemic we never asked for and killed the joy of my anticipation- it could have been my second concert after iKON but it never happened even after almost two years now. I am still waiting for them. In fact, I never surrender my ticket nor ask for a refund because I am holding on to that hope that it will happen sooner. And I found that hope. It may not be the announcement that I have been waiting for my whole life, but it was a comforting snap of "hey, we still got you buddy!" when I saw the poster of their upcoming documentary on Netflix. I was beyond ecstatic.

After I watched Flip A Coin, I was literally crying. It was midnight when I finished it and felt like I have never been that emotional for a long while. Their combined passion thundered into life as they hit the latter part of their virtual concert, it was electrifying and heartfelt. This documentary cemented more of my breathless adoration towards One Ok Rock. I am a big fan and how I wish sooner I will finally see them performing live.

5. BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

The final season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine was released midway through 2021. I am still somewhere on its fourth season and admittedly I am having a crisis on continuing the series. This comedy series is the first one that I enjoyed since I have never been a fan of such genre. It is also American which adds up to my hesitation if I should watch it. Then I watched it. It was surprisingly fun and more than its comic exaggeration and jocular depiction of detective lives, I was hooked by their witty dialogues. I am happy that I started with Brooklyn Nine-Nine in venturing American series since it is hard for me to appreciate American humor.

6. BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIRST LIFE

If there is one more Kdrama that has been consistently recommended, at least across my social media, it might be this series called "Because This is My First Life" . As fans often describe it as philosophical, and I was at that time undecided of what should I watch, I finally gave it a go but without necessary intention of seeing the whole thing. I can agree that they are right all along when they say that this series is uplifting– not in a spiritual manner, but more like a comfort in disguise.

This Kdrama will tell you that everything is all our first time regardless of where we are in life. We are all turning over a new leaf every single day. It might sometimes stray from reality and becomes cliché after a while but it is always saved by their philosophical thoughts and heartwarming realizations which are very comforting. I like how every episode triggers me to reflect on my life decisions and how their dialogues echo my thoughts and trepidations about future.

If you want to be intrigue by this series, then try to just at least read their beautiful lines here: Because This is My First Life Quotes

7. NORAGAMI

It took me a very long while to finally put myself back to watching Anime series. I didn't know how exactly I drifted away from the world that once familiar to me, but it felt like ages since the last time I wanted to watch an Anime. With Noragami, I was honestly trying to wait for it to digest in me. And it happened since it has somehow caught my fancy to keep watching it because I like the storyline, however when I started its second season, I lost my connection with it along the way. I don't really like it when there's some kind of romance going on between two Anime characters, I find it weird and feel like it is undermining the aspect of the story since I am used to that romance is not a leading staple ingredient of an Anime series.

But still, Noragami deserved a spot in my Top 10 because I really enjoyed the storyline. Aside from that, its OSTs are so great! If I can include some honorable mentions in my Year-End Countdown: Music Edition, I will definitely include theirs in it.

8. RUROUNI KENSHIN (FILM SERIES)

Also this year I decided to re-watch all Rurouni Kenshin films in the series as follow: Rurouni Kenshin Origins (2012), Rurouni Kenshin: Kyoto Inferno (2014), Rurouni Kenshin: The Legend Ends (2014), Rurouni Kenshin: The Final (2021), and Rurouni Kenshin: The Beginning (2021). This Japanese period action-adventure film is based on the manga of the same name. I think, more people recognize it as Samurai X, including myself not until I found out it later on. And although I haven't seen other live-action movies, I couldn't agree more when they say that this one is by far the most convincing adaptation out there. It is also my first time enjoying a Japanese film considering that I am still new, and venturing out Japanese cinema.

I could say that all the fighting scenes are worth watching. It makes me anticipate for another round of sword fighting, some exhibition of wall running, and breathless encounter of swords-- slashing, slicing, and swishing at a high-speed.

I also like to commend that it is such a good decision to put his romance with Kaoru in periphery. Sometimes it is just all right to tease the viewers with a little touch of romance between characters. Considering that these films follow the life of Kenshin from his penitence back toward into his barbaric past as Battousai, then other important aspects should put forward to unveil his history as that samurai who has a cross-like scar on his face.

9. THE SILENT SEA

Among the many genres there are, science fiction is perhaps my least favorite one. I couldn't say if it has been rooted by my inability to grasp scientific concepts quick or just my reluctance to multitask things when my mind wants only to focus on making sense of the storyline. Maybe I don't like the idea of asking me for another surge of energy when I have already set the right amount of it, in short, I only want to keep up with the story without having to recall what is a stimuli again. I don't to exhaust my memory when my intention of watching a film is to be entertained.

But seeing The Silent Sea going against other big films on Netflix, and still securing at least a higher spot than everyone might expected, has convinced me to see if it's worth a watch.

For a thrilling eight episodes, I was able to watch the series for just about three or four days. And it was even on weekdays!

I appreciate that The Silent Sea is not a science "science" fiction. If you know what I mean. It doesn't suddenly throw vocabularies here and there, and perhaps the production doesn't want it when the viewers urged to pause the video just so they could decipher what was just said. They make it friendlier especially to someone like me who is never a fan of sci-fi films nor series. Admittedly, the short series starts off rather slowly. It is like taking their viewers with them to the space-- with a labored breathing, heavy-footed movements. It needs time for you to digest, but it is not exactly boring. As soon as they inch closer to their mission, the more truths unearth to them.

10. OUR BELOVED SUMMER

This one is the only on-going series in my list. As of writing, the tenth episode was already up on Netflix, and here I am keeping myself away from any potential spoilers that might have already been gracing my Twitter feeds. Of all the late releases in 2021, I could say that Our Beloved Summer is clearly and by far my current favorite. I even anticipated it even before it premieres, that is how I was hook the very moment I came across their teaser on YouTube. Right there, their chemistry was spot-on that I was waiting like a mad woman for the first episode to arrive.

This is another gem to put in my treasure chest after The Smile Has Left Your Eyes. I enjoy this romantic-comedy series so much that I am going crazy every after episode. I like all their soundtracks, and just the fact that I didn't veer off course when I found out that this is going to be about the ins and outs of their breakup with that common stranger to enemies to lovers to ex-lovers trope, means that I genuinely love this drama.