Kumustahan #11: Pino, I'm sorry with all my heart!!!

It has been almost about three weeks now since I made a promise to visit you. I was able to, but after just my second try, I vanished again. 

I have been really busy, you know. Busy in a sense that I have also been occupied with a lot of personal things. I was almost close to breaking down as I felt that darkness again hovering nearby. I don't know but I had a couple of episodes where I was drowning in my own emotions. Things have been pretty rough lately and although the feeling was once familiar to me, it is still scary. I guess, loneliness will never be a stranger to us. It will come and pass by, but it will crash the composure in you— the composure you are still building up. 

Despite the waves of loneliness, I still took a courage to swim in the uncertainty. It was overwhelming, oxygen-depriving, but I had to force myself to go along the current and play with the flow. 

September 14. My sister woke me up in the middle of the night. It was past 12 am and there were specks of blood— Pino's blood, on the floor. I WAS SCARED. Too scared that I couldn't think straight. What should I do? What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I am scared and I just want to cry. But I can't. I have to look composed in front of Pino who doesn't look alarmed by the blood discharge from his nose. I was thankful that my sister, Hazel, was there helping me out. She's calm as usual and that assured me that everything is going to be okay. I messaged everyone I know that I could ask for consultation from: Vet Clinic, Pino's doc, Angie, and my manager. No response from anyone. But it's understandable, it was already late and they're definitely in their deep sleep now. We tried home remedies to ease Pino's situation while waiting for them. We got a crack of ice and patted him for extra cold and kept reassuring him that he's good and safe with us. After almost three hours, we were able to make Pino rest. I woke up the next day decided that I would be off for hours as I have to rush Pino to a nearby clinic. There we found out that he was tested positive of blood parasite due to ticks and fleas. Because of this, his blood level decreased that caused him to be anemic. 

I BLAMED MYSELF WHEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT THAT. 

Why I didn't reach out to Doc Punzalan when I noticed that there were several fleas I found on Pino's skin. I should have been alarmed by that fact and yet I turned a blind eye. I should have prevented it by then but I didn't because I was too lazy. I blamed myself for my negligence. 

I almost hated myself. 

It brought me back when Doc Punzalan visited us for Pino's last vaccine shots. It was around May perhaps, and her last visit too for the year. I couldn't recollect all she had said but one thing that I would never ever forget was when she told me almost casually that I was a responsible furparent. Of all the compliments I've heard, and others that the universe can give me, that was the best compliment I've received my whole life. I almost cried. I was happy, or maybe beyond that. 

I thought, that would be it. 

The magic word had been sprinkled like a speck of lifetime assurance. I thought being able to hear that was already enough to be complacent of Pino's wellbeing. 

When I received the receipt for Pino's overall medical expenditures, that's when I realized that was not just a mere piece of paper. I couldn't crumble it like I usually do when the ATM discharges a receipt after I withdraw money.

It was costly. I couldn't even take a glimpse of it. In an instant, that money that I have saved for months of working tirelessly, just went to a snap. And I was beyond guilty for having that thought crossed my mind while we were at the vet clinic. While Pino was confused at some point but still oblivious of his current condition. 

My heart was breaking. It was the same pain I felt when I saw Nanay lifeless on her bed. I was brought back to that moment. When I tried to revive her, to call her name nonstop. I was holding her hand so tight, hopeful that I can still lend a few more lifes to at least say goodbye to her one last time. Then, the warm hands that used to caress me to lullaby, has gone, slowly...very slowly, to cold. And I felt the same thing while looking at Pino that time. He was injected for a blood test, and I know, I know he was scared. And I hated myself for my negligence... for not being consistently responsible... for not being preventing everything that had happened. I couldn't imagine what would happen to Pino if things had gone worse. 

After that day, those days that have passed since his diagnosis, I couldn't sleep well. I couldn't think straight, and I was panicking silently the whole time. I was guilty and I kept hating myself. 

I was doubting myself and wondered if it was a mistake that I was told by our doctor that I was a resposible furparent. Maybe, I am not? Because all these had happened. 

A month has passed now. It was dragging and it felt it was the longest one month I've had my whole life. I have been whispering my prayers to the Gods, and felt ashamed that I can only do this out of desperation. But this is my only hope— a prayer that still sounds an alien to me, but with Pino, it becomes a familiar breath... an equivalent of good morning to him... a ten thousand pleases to the wind... a plead.

Last October 16, a great news hit us up. It was unexpected but it was something we had been praying for attentively. FINALLY, after a month long medication, Pino had been cleared up and his CBC had been back to normal. I couldn't contain my happiness and I was thanking The Veterinary Hub feverishly. 

Thank God. Thank you, really. 

This a lesson learned and a chance of unlearning things as well. I have still a long way to go and it is true that learning doesn't stop and never will. 

I love Pino more than anything else. 

I think I will lose myself if I lose him. 

His my life now. And I just couldn't imagine myself and my world without him in it. 

God, I love Pino so much.

And to Pino, forgive me as I am still learning. I apologize if I am not yet a great furmon to you. I am trying my best so please bear with me. Please accompany me as I navigate this phase in my life. 

I love you so so so much.

You are more than enough. 

Happy 1st Barkday again to you, my love. For more barks, howls, bites, kisses, and learnings. Cheers to us!