House of Memory

It has been almost about three weeks now since I made a promise to visit you. I was able to, but after just my second try, I vanished again.  I have been really busy, you know. Busy in a sense that I have also been occupied with a lot of personal things. I was almost close to breaking down as I felt that darkness again hovering nearby. I don't know but I had a couple of episodes where I was drowning in my own emotions. Things have been pretty rough lately and although the feeling was once familiar to me, it is still scary. I guess, loneliness will never be a stranger to us. It will come and pass by, but it will crash the composure in you— the composure you are still building up.  Despite the waves of loneliness, I still took a courage to swim in the uncertainty. It was overwhelming, oxygen-depriving, but I had to force myself to go along the current and play with the flow.  September 14. My sister woke me up in the middle of the night. It was past 12 am and there were specks of blo

This week has marked my 25th year.  Weirdly enough, I was happy celebrating my birthday. In fact, this has been the "happiest" birthday I've had so far or at least in my recent memory. The past years had been so blue and forgettable that I didn't feel that my day was still worthy to be celebrated. I was surely demotivated and it was truly getting harder for me to see the beauty of getting a year older each passing year. I was depressed and very far from what I am now. And seeing myself being this way— merrier, extrovert, and carefree— is very very strange. I don't think I have been this liberated my whole life. I don't think I have smiled or laugh this much before. I don't think I have been this excited to wake up every day. Everything feels anew and I feel like I have been experiencing "life" lately or should I say eversince I had my career shift. Not only I was redirected to another profession, but my life has literally turned over a new leaf..

I told you, I'll be back.  I may be late, but this is much better than never. Isn't it? This week has just been like the usual week I've also had previously. Nothing prominently grand, but I had some bits of glittery moments that are still worthy to share.  Despite the mental strain I had after our brief discussion with our COO, I was still able to compose myself and push through the rest of this week with grace. It wasn't a major process update but for some reason I had a hard time trying to take everything in. My mind felt like it had taken a sudden halt and all the stuffs I've learned so far flattered upwards in the air and I was left brainless. I was overwhelmed and I knew it. Admittedly, I also had a fault on my end and that's for being too distracted with my surroundings which consequently impeded my productivity. Acknowledging this, I knew I had to give myself a break and so I rested my thoughts. Thankfully, I had a debriefing call with our client, cleare

This feels weird.  It's been a long while, no? I have been typing for minutes now and I am slightly uncomfortable with the look of Courier font on my eyes. It has really been a while indeed that even the default font I have here is no longer emotionally familiar.  The Sunday morning has been on its full blaze since I woke up past 7. It is hot and humid and almost airless-- a contrary of what's life like three weeks ago: tucked up in the wet weather. Now, my skin feels being scorched by the heat from the summer-like blast and my mini-fan on the side is blowing hot airs, melting the sun cream on my face. I keep throwing glances at Pino from the stand mirror to see how he's coping up. I like to bring him downstairs but I am too afraid that I might lose my train of thoughts when I dare to even lift myself a bit here on my chair. Damn shit.  I have to repeat this again: it is fucking hot!  Somehow the mellow music close-by soothes all these cruelties. It's on the right volum

Hi There! I know, it has already been a long while now since the last time I made a visit here. It was during those tough times when I was weirdly energized by my extreme loneliness that I was able to write a couple of entries here. Then as expected, I was gone again. There was not even a speck of trace hinted, I literally absquatulated. I am also aware that I had graced my house of memory with consecutive outburst of utter regret and misfortune and it was now hard to even recall when was the last time I wrote here in a happy state. Sad, isn't it? But here I am now-- still up but yawning constantly, a few tick tocks before half past midnight, and quite a bit relief that I am finally here breathing some pressed ideas. What should I write next? That's what I have in mind right now. I keep replaying the snippets of UST & NU game in my head, and how I wished I had witnessed it live on the arena. Damn! I don't know where was it coming from but I'm so proud how UST manage

Ang bigat-bigat ng mga mata ko. Gusto ko matulog pero ang andaming nasa isip ko. Nasisilaw ako sa nakasaksak na table lamp, siguro inaantok na talaga kasi ako. Ang sarap nang malumanay na ihip ng rechargeable fan na binili ko last month. Para akong hinehele, o siguro inaantok na talaga kasi ako. Iba yung antok ko ngayon, malungkot. Parang nagsisisi. Saan? Hindi ko lang sigurado. Baka dahil napapagod lang ako kaya pakiramdam ko mali lahat ng mga naging desisyon ko sa nakalipas na walong buwan. Pakiramdam ko mali na nandito ako ngayon. Wala akong nararamdaman na paghinga, lagi na lang akong bumabagon araw-araw dala-dala yung bigat sa nakalipas na kahapon na pagod. Para akong hinihila na lang ng oras, o kaya ng araw. Walang buhay? Kung mahuhulog ako sa rumaragasang tubig, panigurado naanod na ako... at nawala. Hindi ko pa pala napapakingan ang buong kanta ni Taylor Swift. Pero maganda raw, sabi sa Twitter. Pero ayoko muna pakinggan lahat, baka maromansa ko lang ang nararamdaman kong lungk

It hasn't been an hour since I logged off from work. Thinking about it now, this wasn't how my day usually went three months ago. About this time, I may have already been asleep but productive in my personal life. If I'm still awake, then probably I am watching something right now or recalling the Kanji words I promised to myself to familiarize. I mean, that's how my life was: after work at 5 pm, I'm free. But now, I feel regretful and tired. I remember that I was writing something for my blog post here. I was full of hope, like my eyes were clouded with ethereal passion, and my heart was aching for so much anticipation. I thought 2022 was my year. I have claimed, way ahead of time, that this was going to be my year. I almost felt like crying at that time because I was soaring with so much possibilities of what my life would finally turn out now that I am resigning. I felt like I went back to when I was in my early days of my senior year, when I wasn't yet soake

While watching Stranger Things earlier, I instinctively slide down my phone to see how many hours have already gone by while I was laying down on the floor. "Ugh, only 10 minutes before it hit 4 pm" , I  silently exclaimed under my breath. Rest days always feel so short, like you haven't processed everything that happened for the past weekdays, and here you are now thinking about how can you squeeze in everything you have planned beforehand when it feels like 24 hours are not enough.  I woke up today rather early, but my nose felt heavy because of cold that's why I couldn't bring myself to get up right away. I was debating inside whether should I go to Kim's Christening since I also feel guilty of losing the chance to see the team since it has already been a while and certainly it will take longer again to hangout with them. As expected, I didn't go simply because I don't feel good and I need this day to regain the energy I've lost from the past we

For the past week, I've never been okay. My head is heavier than usual. My heart has been skipping a beat with panic. My eyes feel like crying at any moment. And in the midst of all of these, I remained patient. Days have been so hard. I couldn't sleep well and I don't want to get up carrying all my responsibilities heavy heartedly. I couldn't eat well. I couldn't chew my food because it tastes bland and my mind is thinking about my work. I don't feel like drinking because I am somewhere else and I just want to survive this hell. Why do I have a lot of tasks? Why I am always chasing time? Why I just don't have time to breathe? This whole thing might be making me feel alive and it is because I am now feeling numb. I just want to rest. I just want to sleep without much worries. I want to get up without effort. At any moment, I feel like I am close to crying. And I don't want that to happen. Once I cry because of this, I might cry everything out.  Now. I am