3/20/24

A Not-So Review: Lighter & Princess

3/20/2024

Having recently completed a 30-episode drama series, I thought it would be some time before I could immerse myself in yet another Chinese drama. Spanning 36 episodes, more than two regular K-drama series combined, Lighter & Princess literally had me skeptical. There was no way for me to finish a series that feels like a lifetime to watch UNLESS it would be something truly spectacular, even greater than my then current C-drama favorite, Amidst a Snowstorm of Love. 

First Impression

Debating whether to invest 65 pesos for a month’s worthy subscription on Youku, I clung to the uncertainty. 

Would this series captivate me as much as AASOL, or would it fall short of my expectations? 

Initially, I jumped into this drama with only a vague notion of its premise. The title itself led me to believe it was a fantasy romance drama. The opening credits reinforced this impression, playfully hinting at magic and fairytales. From the title, I envisioned “Lighter” was a prince of lightning, while “Princess” was a damsel in distress. However, it wasn’t until I began watching that the true meaning behind the title dawned on me. “Lighter” was actually the golden zippo-style lighter that Li Xun habitually played with throughout the episodes, which later revealed its sentimental value—a reminiscent connection to his late father. Meanwhile, “Princess,” whom Zhu Yun thought was a teasy nickname given by Li Xun, turned out to be his endearment for her. I appreciated that it took time for me to piece it together, and it was only when Li Xun addressed Zhu Yun as princess for the first time that everything clicked.

Driven by curiosity and the desire to learn from one another, a motley crew of freshmen got together in a campus study group. With only a few scenes set in their dormitory and classroom, their campus life mostly revolved within the confines of their base, which took up more than half of the series. This left me wondering whether the show realistically captured the life of a university student in China. In their sanctum, they toiled away—heads bent over keyboards, fingers tapping out codes as their screen filled their eyes' reflection. Despite my own programming ignorance, I still found myself drawn to the snippets of technical jargon they casually tossed around. It was as though I stood on the periphery, an outsider eavesdropping on their world.

When the Flint Wheel Meets the Flint, the Sparks Fly 

Li Xun, in particular, stood out—a brilliant mind straddling the line between genius leadership and imperious aristocracy. In his case, there was no doubt: he fell to the latter category, ruling with an unapologetic will that either garnered devoted followers, outright critics, or loyal friends. Despite his conflicting personality, others still regarded him with admiration. Perhaps topping the national college entrance exams could work wonders, or maybe it was his good looks? 

He was nonchalant, arrogant, and sharp-tongued. Were it not for his good looks, I bet everyone would not be impressed by his talent. Yet, if we were to shift our attention to the actor who played this character, we couldn't deny how Arthur Chen convincingly breathed life into Li Xun. His lips, taut and unyielding, framed furrowed brows that spoke of intensity. His very stance exuded casual confidence and an unbothered temperament. It was a captivating blend—a magnet for any girl, willing to embrace the weighty responsibility of believing, “I can change him.” 


And then there was Zhu Yun—a delightful blend of naivety, stubborn charm, and a fire that mirrored of Li Xun’s. It seemed almost ironic that Li Xun affectionately and playfully dubbed her “Princess.” Yet, despite her inherent privileges, I didn't feel any blunt display of lavishness from her, particularly in the way she interacted with him. It wasn't also used lamely to enforce tension between them; instead, it lingered as a subtle undercurrent, adding depth to their dynamic. When it comes to her acting, I occasionally sensed that Jing Yi struggled during dramatic scenes. She effortlessly showcased her dorky side alongside Arthur Chen, but when it came to sharing intense moments with him, I found it hard to connect emotionally. Despite this, I can hardly envision any other Chinese actress portraying Zhu Yun as effectively as she did.

From a Spark to a Flame

The enemies-to-lovers trope is a familiar one, often revisited across a myriad of dramas. It's a narrative route that has been so frequently explored that audiences grow accustomed, perhaps even weary, of its predictable beats. However, "Lighter & Princess" manages to reinvent the clichés with its unique charms. While it embraces a storyline that echoes many before it—replete with recycled plot points and foreseeable developments—it introduces a fresh and compelling perspective. 



The chemistry between the main characters is palpable, sparking flames that seem to leap off the screen. Their exchanges, from playful banter to stolen glances and intense gazes, send a thrill through the viewers, giving butterflies in our stomach. Their evolving bond transcends mere romance; it's a metamorphosis. From bantering enemies, they slowly morphs into each other's ally, and eventually, blossoms into something infinitely more profound and beautiful.

Like the familiar revenge-themed dramas, we had the character re-emerging with a singular focus: revenge. After three years of imprisonment, Li Xun embraced the fleeting comfort of a fresh start, which was, in essence, a vengeful resurgence. Zhu Yun, who might seem pathetic, embodies, in my view, the enduring power of loyalty. Even the world seem always ready to turn its back on him, her loyalty to him never once wavered. She proved to him that a princess like her is destined for heaven, as betrayer condemns to hell. Li Xun was indeed lucky to have Zhu Yun; she was more than her lover—she was an important ally and his sole confidante. Without her, I doubt Li Xun could have successfully regained L&P. She not only support him but also steered him away from being consumed by his own fury and vengeance. Indeed, Li Xun had Zhu Yun all along to pull him up...but in that defining moment in Episode 17, this was not so, as Li Xun had made a choice not to be pulled up by Zhu Yun. 


After learning the truth that Fang Zhi Jing was the culprit for the tragic car accident that claimed his sister's life, Li Xun faced a harrowing decision. Driven by a thirst for revenge, he risked it all, including his stakes in L&P and his future with Zhu Yun. This pivotal moment signaled the close of an era where the plot took an intense turn. The aftermath was grim: Li Xun found himself behind bars for three years, Fang Zhi Jing was left partially blinded, Gao Jian Hong took over L&P, and Zhu Yun, in pursuit of a fresh start, departed the country, leaving her shared history and the life she might have had with Li Xun.

The events surrounding Li Xun and Zhu Yun left a profound impact on me. It's unfortunate that the narrative did not delve into his time in the penitentiary shadows. I had hoped for a glimpse into his prison life, to witness the complexity of his emotions—his intense wrath, yearning, fear, and possible remorse. Instead, we were presented with a portrayal of him steadfast in his anger and quest for vengeance. In contrast, Zhu Yun's transformation was stark; she became a shadow of her former self. Her usual bubbly persona was replaced by a hollow emptiness after Li Xun's imprisonment. She completely lost herself, appearing lifeless. Given that Li Xun is human, it was disheartening to see him depicted as unyieldingly strong beyond that critical juncture. Throughout the series, there were only a few scarce instances that revealed his vulnerability, let alone capturing his lowest point. It was as if he deflected emotional blows with practiced ease. His facade remained adamant, even when the world crumbled around him.

Keep The Fire Burning!


By around episode 25, the narrative transitioned from the past to the present, picking up where the initial snippet left off in Episode 1. The anticipation was palpable as their interactions intensified—each glance, every word exchanged—leaving me both impatient and exhilarated. The push and pull between them was masterfully executed, keeping me on the edge of my seat, yearning for the next encounter.

And oh, the tropes again! First, the classic enemies-to-lovers trope which ignited their sparks but then lost by the end of the first chapter. Suddenly, they were strangers again. Yet fate, ever mischievous, intervened once more, pulling them back to being bantering enemies, and finally, a triumphant return to enemies to lovers. Come on, who wouldn't want that?


We saw a parallel narrative in the second chapter of the show. Their bond flourished within the familiar confines of their base, but this time, it orchestrated a reunion in the unassuming corner of a company building called My Heart Flying Network. The intensity surged as they grappled with their desire to stay apart, yet their yearning threatened to break through. Together, with their newfound squad, they replicated the same dedication they once poured into their previous venture, L&P. Despite the initial hurdles and setbacks, they stood their ground, managing to rattle Gao Jian Hong. 

Expectedly, Gao Jian Hong slowly became Li Xun's biggest archenemy. However, it didn't happen in a snap; it resulted from a series of events that pushed him to betray Li Xun. Ranked sixth in the national college exam, Gao Jian Hong was a self-assured student who was open to learn different perspectives from others. From the outset, he expressed his desire to learn from Li Xun. Unfortunately, Li Xun was uncooperative and occasionally made him feel inferior instead of working together with him. Disappointingly, every time he wanted to prove himself to Li Xun, he completely dismissed his effort, which led him lost confidence in himself. That is why, I understand that partially it was Li Xun’s fault for igniting Gao Jian Hong’s envy, which wasn’t present initially. 


With Li Xun’s favor, he assumed control of L&P, seizing this opportunity to avenge himself against him. Initially, L&P aimed to reduce the cancer death rate by creating a system with improved access to medical services. However, it later rebranded as a gaming development company under the leadership of Gao Jian Hong. During his last visit to Li Xun, fueled by anger, he revealed that he was the one who told his sister's whereabouts to Fang Zhi Jing, ultimately leading to her demise. This revelation intensified Li Xun’s desire to confront him beyond the prison walls. Although we didn’t catch glimpses of Li Xun’s life behind bars, we witnessed how L&P had evolved into a prominent game development company. This transformation showcased Gao Jian Hong’s potential, yet I couldn’t help but wonder why the show portrayed him as weak when pitted against Li Xun.

While I recognized that he genuinely feared Li Xun, I believe his programming skills were not adequately showcased. The latter, who had been away from programming for three years, managed to completely disrupt his composure with a single game release. I wish they had portrayed Gao Jian Hong as a stronger adversary for Li Xun, making his revenge more challenging. Unfortunately, instead of intense confrontations between the two, the show opted for an anticlimactic approach. In Episode 36, we learned that he was suffering from a malignant brain tumor. To me, the show did him dirty. Instead of allowing him to face Li Xun head-on, he was diagnosed with a disease that completely defeated the purpose of his revenge. Imagine waiting three long years to get even with Gao Jian Hong, only to be halted midway by the unexpected revelation of a debilitating illness. It felt like the show had sabotaged Gao Jian Hong, when they should have allowed Li Xun to do the job.

Despite these shortcomings, I appreciated that among them, Fang Zhi Jing remained true to his disagreeable nature. He recognized that Li Xun's intentions were to undermine their egos, leading them to make poor decisions that would ultimately contribute to their downfall. It's regrettable that there weren't more clashes between him, Gao Jian Hong, and Li Xun. 


Xu Lina emerged as a character who, I initially believed, a mere pursuer of Li Xun. Despite her marriage to Gao Jian Hong, it was commendable that the narrative did not force her into a romantic attachment with him, nor did it excuse his wrongdoings. She remained steadfast in her willingness to sacrifice everything for Li Xun, a price Gao Jian Hong anticipated upon his return. Xu Lina’s decision to stay with Gao Jian Hong after discovering his illness was something I had expected, but also admired. Her choice to stay with Gao Jian Hong was surely not driven by love but by gratitude and appreciation. After all, Gao Jian Hong had never stopped loving her.

The last few episodes of Lighter & Princess lived up to my expectations. Li Xun and Zhu Yun, having reclaimed L&P, faced their greatest yet familiar hurdle: winning over Zhu Yun’s parents. It’s clear that her parents favored Tian Xiu Zhu, and realistically, he was the preferable match over Li Xun. Yet, Zhu Yun’s stance had always been clear—the ‘ideal’ choice isn’t necessarily the right one, particularly if it feels undeserved. I appreciated the show avoided turning Tian Xiu Zhu into an unwarranted villain, which would have been overkill given the existing conflicts with Gao Jian Hong and Fang Zhi Jing. And, of course, how could I miss out Zhu Yun's parents?


Li Xun was undeniably a flawed character. Yet, it baffled me why he was never given the chance to redeem himself, particularly by Zhu Yun's mother. From her standpoint as a teacher, I understood where she was coming from as cheating was unequivocally wrong. Yet, it remained unclear why she harbored resentment towards him after all this time. He was merely a child who made a mistake, acknowledged his wrongdoing, and sought her forgiveness. Rather than extending forgiveness, she remained resolute, leaving him with the impression that there was no way for him to change for the better. 

They were absolutely unreasonable. It was exhausting for me to watch them sob and completely distort Zhu Yun’s words, making her feel guilty for loving Li Xun. I perceived them as controlling (actually, they really were), even taking over significant decisions in Zhu Yun’s life. In the final episode, we saw Li Xun and Zhu Yun took another chance to persuade her parents. As expected, and to my appreciation, her mother remained firm. Fortunately, this time, Li Xun had learned his lesson and had matured enough to reassure Zhu Yun that it was okay, as they still had a lifetime to convince her parents.



Things turned out quite satisfying by the end of the series. After discovering that a scene where Li Xun proposed to Zhu Yun was deleted, I wasn’t really disappointed. In fact, I thought it was a good decision. It made more sense to me that they opted for a civil wedding instead. This choice supported the scene where Zhu Yun impulsively asked Li Xun to have a baby, which aligned with their decision to start a family.

Overall, it was an enjoyable experience. For someone seeking an idol drama that isn’t too serious, ‘Lighter and Princess’ was an excellent option. As I mentioned, I had recently watched ‘Amidst A Snowstorm of Love,’ which was a fantastic show, so I was pleased that the Lighter & Princess' was just as impressive. 

12/26/23

Year- End Countdown: My Top 5 Songs in 2023

12/26/2023

Last year was a real struggle for me. I couldn’t manage to put together my year-end countdown of favorite songs. Workload consumed my days, leaving no room for my beloved music. It felt like a crime to indulge in leisure during office hours. I constantly reminded myself to stay focused and finish on time, fearing another late night at the desk.

So, that’s the backstory of my 2022 song list failure.

But here we are now, a tad early for this entry. Still, I’ve adopted a rebranded motto: “better late than never.” After all, it’s better to be ahead of schedule than perpetually behind, right?

Enough blubbering—let’s dive into my Top 5 Songs of 2023:


1. I GUESS THIS IS JUST ANOTHER SONG 'BOUT TOKYO?


The first time I heard about Rina Sawayama was during a random YouTube interview with New Jeans. I didn’t know much about her at that point, but perhaps I had caught a passing glimpse of her during a Head in the Clouds concert clip in my feed. And that was the extent of it.

However, when Minji mentioned Rina’s name during an interview question about artists she’d been following recently, she pronounced it with utmost clarity: “RI-NA SA-WA-YA-MA.” Her English-speaking voice flowed effortlessly, a soothing surprise to the ears. Honestly, it was Minji who piqued my curiosity, prompting me to search for Rina on Spotify and explore her music.

And so, I listened to my first Rina Sawayama song. I’m grateful that Minji’s interview randomly landed on my YouTube feed because “Tokyo Love Hotel” is an absolute bop! It’s become my favorite so far, and I haven’t even scratched the surface of Rina’s musical library.

Listening to “Tokyo Love Hotel” feels like embarking on a reckless midnight escapade. The city’s breath is amplified along the deserted roads, with light posts casting orange and soft blue-violet sparkles against my wakeful eyes. You giggle uncontrollably, too shy to express your giddiness openly, fearing you might disturb the comfortable solitude of the moment. Together, you own the world, just as Rina lyrically confesses that she wants Him all to herself.

Then, during the chorus, "Tokyo" takes on a soulful transformation. I’m transported to an idyllic place—white, billowy clouds against eye-straining sunlight from the open skies. It’s a heavenly sensation, and I sway with the ebb and flow of love’s moments and hopeful encounters. But Rina Sawayama is done with the shows and fleeting encounters; she no longer checks into the Tokyo Love Hotel. She craves His love exclusively.

Perhaps this is just another song about Tokyo, but for me, it’s an enchanting journey through Rina’s musical universe.


2. RUN AWAY, BUT WE'RE RUNNING IN CIRCLES



In 2019, a song was released that has etched itself into my soul this year. The reason? I can’t quite pinpoint it.

I vividly recall the moment—I was setting up my dual monitors for my relatively new job. Testing the audio, I navigated to YouTube. There, in the thumbnail, was Post Malone, striking an end-of-war pose. I’d heard the song “Circles” a few times before, but I hadn’t truly savored its entirety.

Yet, “Circles” lingered in my mind. It became my go-to during karaoke sessions and the soundtrack to my YouTube browsing.

Initially, I listened to it solely for its pounding beats, urging me to nod my head and pump my fist as if I were hammering away at something. But then, as I paid closer attention to the lyrics while it played in the background, a pang of guilt washed over me.

It was a sad song.

Despite its engaging sound, “Circles” wasn’t meant for carefree dancing. When Post Malone crooned, “Maybe you don’t understand what I’m going through,” I envisioned him—shoulders tense, exhaling hopelessly. The bridge intensified this feeling, transporting me back to my darkest days.

[Maybe you don't understand what I'm going through
It's only me
What you got to lose?
Make up your mind, tell me
What are you gonna do?
It's only me
Let it go]

During those moments—lonely or otherwise—you realize that no matter how you try to simplify your struggles for others, they’ll never truly grasp it. Even well-intentioned responses like “I know what you’re feeling” or “I’ve been through the same shit” fall flat, mere echoes in the vast cavern of your emotions.

When they ask, “What’s wrong?” you hesitate, unsure of how to respond. The conversation loops in circles, and you grow weary of explaining yourself. Eventually, you find solace in the simplest words: “It’s only me.”  


3. GUESS I WON'T EVER MIND CRISPING UP ON YOUR BACKBURNER

BACKBURNER - NIKI

I'm a la la lost you and lowkey baby. 

I know some of NIKI’s better-known songs, as I mentioned earlier, but not those that truly solidified her artistry in the music arena.

During my initial listens to the ‘Nicole’ album, I didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics, honestly. The song titles certainly scream heartbreak, emotive longing, and taking chances. However, I was too immersed in her voice. It’s simple—a good kind of simple, I must say—but also very familiar. It’s a voice you’ve heard somewhere, but not just anywhere. Personally, it’s her voice that makes her relatable to me. It’s affable, light, and vivid. It evokes a reachable imagination and a feeling of something closer to home.

It was NIKI who introduced the term ‘backburner’ to me. Before that, I had already listened to High School in Jakarta, Take A Chance with Me, Before, and even Oceans and Engines. All of those were great listens, even earning the coveted LSS (Last Song Syndrome) certification. However, what intrigued me the most about ‘Backburner’ was the curiosity it sparked with its title. What was it all about? Without resorting to Google, I delved into the lyrics, connecting the dots to grasp its essence.

My loose conclusion was that perhaps it’s about being a “rebound”. Still, I recognize that it’s not something I can personally relate to. Yet, as I mentioned earlier, NIKI’s voice is simple in a welcoming way. It’s as if this song beckons you whenever you’re ready to understand it. She’ll sing-song the words to you slowly, enunciating them with patience. 

If I had to pick a favorite from her album, it would undoubtedly be ‘Backburner’. For some reason, listening to this song leaves me feeling heartbroken—much like how Taylor Swift’s ‘All Too Well’ shattered me. However, here, NIKI sounds more hopeful than reminiscent. It’s a foolish hope, directed toward someone who can only want her when it's convenient. 


4. WHEN THE BONES ARE GOOD, THE REST DON'T MATTER

THE BONES - MARREN MORRIES, HOZIER

Honestly, I enjoy this song just as it is. Well, a big part of that enjoyment stems from Hozier’s biblical voice—listening to him feels like experiencing an audio version of the Holy Bible. But there’s another reason: I genuinely revel in the vibe of the song.

Weird as it may seem, that’s how the song affects me. It allows me to picture myself in an open car, wind tousling my hair, and I’m singing the chorus with a carefree abandon:

[When the bones are good, the rest don't matter

Yeah, the paint could peel, the glass could shatter

Let it break, 'cause you and I remain the same

When there ain't a crack in the foundation

Baby, I know any storm we're facing will

Blow right over while we stay put

The house don't fall when the bones are good

When the bones are good]

Then Hozier enters, transforming the song into a celestial hymn. The heavens fill with horn-whistled cherubs and feathery confetti. And when both voices converge in the chorus, everything feels right, and the rest becomes inconsequential.

And what happens when the bones are good, you ask?


5. WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS, WHEN WE ARE LOVERS?

SINCERITY IS SCARY - THE 1975 

Sincerity Is Scary has remained my steadfast favorite throughout the entire year. It’s my go-to song when I couldn't think of any songs to lull me when the afternoon boredom strikes in. The track offers an effortless listening experience and serves as a catalyst for my daydreams, particularly when Matt launches into the chorus with practiced ease:

[Why can't we be friends, when we are lovers?
Cause it always ends with us hating each other
Instead of calling me out, you should be pulling me in
I've just got one more thing to say]

8/6/22

Someone died again in the neighborhood

8/06/2022

Not so long ago, a man died in our neighborhood much to everyone's surprise. I was on my usual setup– tapping and clicking, and despite the slurring noises outside our home slowly building up like a wildfire, I did not dare to get an eyeful of the situation. However, last Tuesday, around 3 am in the morning, we were awaken by a howling of a man. It was so loud and woeful that I could not breathe the moment I opened my eyes, I felt like I was being strangled to death as I could taste the sorrow in his voice while he was crying out.

Tulong! Tulong! Tulooong! (Help! Help! Heeeeelp!)

He kept bawling these words repeatedly and it felt so close to my ears even he was there outside. I did not get up as soon as I came back to my senses, I was too afraid of what I might see once I look over the window.

What if he was being murdered on that spot? And someone saw me watching over with such burning curiosity? What if they shoot me without a skip and I'll be dead?

No, I was not being paranoid just because I woke up in the middle of a good night sleep. This is not something new in our neighborhood– being shot like it is a normal thing to do. I waited and listened to any signs of initiatives from our neighbors, if ever someone would take a bold chance to step foot despite the risk.

Then, I heard him again, weeping a familiar name.

Ayong... Tulong—tuloooong. Ayong. Tuloooong. Ayong. (Ayong...Help her—heeeelp. Ayong. Heeeeelp her)

That exact moment, I got up and walked towards the window. It was dark there, almost everywhere, but I knew where his voice was coming from. I could not see anything from where I stood but I saw that more people where starting to take a look of what was happening, all panicky.

Si Ayong, nanigas yung katawan. Nahimatay. (Ayong's body froze. She fainted.)

He was crying still, but we could make out what he was trying to say. She had a heart attack and she needs to be brought to the hospital!

One moment, everyone was just on their sleep, and the next thing happened, we were all became anxious and wakeful.

Just like what happened a month ago, the situation we had witnessed was a shock to everyone. She was Ayong, the owner of the house just across ours. She was a loud woman, she has a blaring voice and reckless personality that I hated so much. For someone who only wants her day at peace, I did not appreciate even once how she always came off with a lack of consideration to her surroundings. She was offensively impolite and ever tactless.

And the night before she had a heart attack, she sure seemed fine. No one would think nor expect that just a few hours after midnight, a sudden cardiac death would happen, and it was to someone who has never seen lifeless ever since she got out of prison.

6/19/22

Someone died in the neighborhood

6/19/2022

There's someone died in our neighborhood. It was all too sudden. I didn't know him and most likely so was he to me. But not's the story about.

It was supposed to be the usual face in our neighborhood where summer energy was on its peak. Everyone was on their spot fanning away their seasonal outburst of grumpiness towards the heat while kids were at their own phase, absorbed and oblivious to any kind of inconvenience. I was also planted to my seat and doing my actual task of listening to a podcast. I was absorbed too but still grounded to the other noises polluting the surrounding. Then I heard a few people panicking about something, the air seemed like it turned dry and heart stopping, and distant voices were trying to reach out something I couldn't make out. But given the jostling nature of our street, I was made to believe that nothing serious happened at that brief moment, like it was just a loud and confused noise and there's nothing worthy from it that I had to stand up and protrude my neck from our window just to check what was commotion I thought was happening. So I went through the day but still carrying that mystery at the back of my head which I felt really happened. That's when I asked my sister when she went upstairs and joined me in our working/study station. They were slouching in the second floor when that happened so I thought maybe they might have heard a little clearer bits of story from outside.

I almost missed tapping that one letter on my keyboard when she flatly told me that someone died from a heart attack. It was the guy named 'Nestor' who I knew of, he was more known as 'pilay' who rides an old-fashioned bicycle around the street as he couldn't walk because of his left leg. I was shocked. He was literally dead. I didn't know him personally but just by thinking that he was sitting there on the street corner while his bicycle, as I could picture it, resting against the wall, and he felt that throbbing pain against his chest and the last thing that everyone knew about he was already hovering between life and death on the ground while the world is still going on oblivious of that one life already being taking out. This reminds me of Virginia Woolf's Death of the Moth which I enjoyed reading back when I was in college. This short story is about the life of the moth which, from the perspective of the persona, was too small to be cared about by the world. When it was close to dying, the persona threw this question out almost like soliloquizing, in a world that so gigantic what is the death of a small specie in it? And when the persona thought that the moth has already lost any signs of life, she looked around and saw that the afternoon rush of autumn was still untouchable. The sky was still bleeding with colors of the season, birds were at their happy state as always, and the treetops were still whooshing its way along with the wind current. And not even a soul realized that a moth has just lost it life.

Thinking about what happened last Friday, how does it feel when you are just only about on your last few breaths before your death? And you are just doing your usual thing, like hanging by in the streetcorner, probably sitting and taking your time to tame any form of growing discomfort due to cruel summer, then after just a few blinks when you feel like you will just take another heartbeat, you're gone. Is this how life also looks like when you still have a long stretch of thread but suddenly something cut it off?

I remember the last part of my reading in Woolf's The Death of Moth when I said that life might be mysterious but at least we have an access on it. Unlike death, words we usually associate with it are just empty adjectives to materialize it but the truth is we don't know what death really is. Just as much as we have no idea when, where, and how does the death would knock us off. The thought might not yet be as scary as living and suffering in life, but can you imagine that you are just doing your normal day and the next that the people around you knows is you aren't breathing anymore?

How about your dreams? Those little whispers of what ifs and when that happens?

How about your secret manifestations in life?

How about your goals in every ten years of life? When you reach 30, 40, 50, and so on.

How about the life you haven't envisioned yet but still you want to experience once you get there?

How about the supposed many chances in life when you can't still figure out yet what you heart truly wants?

How about the many uncertainties you hated at first when you're starting but you know in time you'll realize that these are the things worthy of heart-pounding moments?

How about your dream for yourself? I know, you are still not closing the idea of having your own family, when you can build the home you have been longing for ever since you have already realized that you aren't really at home when growing up. When you can translate your love without judgements and when you can start your life anew with those people who you will entrust your worries and happiness to.

Even as much as we want to die at times, we know that deep in our hearts, we are still hoping for the world to just be gentle with us. We still want this life because of those people who chose us despite the reasons not to. We still want this life because we are not letting of go of that hope that maybe we just have to wait a little longer before we reach that contentment. We still want this life because it is still fun. At the end of the day, we only want nothing but to love and beloved.

5/7/22

I Dreamt About a Double Rainbow

5/07/2022



I know I had a good sleep when I woke up this morning with my dream still lingering in my groggy consciousness.

Today, I dreamt about a double rainbow. I was inside our home with my sister and nephew, looking out at the sky. At first, I was the only one who noticed the multicolored arch, but after a few blinks, there it was—another arch of wonder—a double rainbow! My gasp at the sight quickly drew their attention, and just like that, I woke up.

While working earlier, the dream kept crossing my mind. I couldn’t resist the urge to take a quick break and google its meaning—which I eventually did, but only after finishing my tasks. Since I was trying to avoid binge-watching Normal People (I’m on episode 7, by the way), I decided to dive into interpretations of what a double rainbow could symbolize in dreams.

According to what I read (and I read a lot), dreaming of a rainbow often symbolizes a turning point in life or a new beginning. Because seeing a rainbow in real life is so unpredictable, it’s said to represent unexpected changes on the horizon. In short, it signifies a shift in life’s course. How I wish that shift came with a pot of gold at the end of the arch! I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to suddenly be rich?

But what about a double rainbow?

Apparently, seeing a double rainbow in a dream symbolizes harmony, peace, and discovering your life’s purpose. How ironic, considering I’m in a phase where I feel deeply confused about what I want and what I should do. Could this dream be a sign? A nudge to just go through this stage, giving myself room to grow in my new profession, even amidst the uncertainty? Maybe it’s telling me that if I can’t embrace it despite my efforts, I should allow myself the freedom to move on.

One article I found (yes, I read several—what can I say, I needed validation) mentioned that seeing multiple rainbows in a dream indicates making peace with oneself. That interpretation felt both beautiful and comforting. Ever since I resigned from my first job, I’ve been living with a push-and-pull mindset. What if I hadn’t left? Would things be better now? Perhaps I’d be more at ease, enjoying a great work culture with my favorite teammates. But then again, maybe I’d be stagnant—working but not growing. I wouldn’t have faced the daily challenges that push me out of my comfort zone, nor would I have learned to confront fears head-on. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t be writing this blog post or dreaming about double rainbows.

The same article suggested that my dream could reflect my struggles with identity and regrets over missed opportunities—burdens that are weighing me down and stunting my progress. However, the double rainbow is a sign of hope. It signifies that I’ll eventually overcome this phase and realize that the actions I take today will shape my future. Persistence, it seems, is the key to brighter days.

This dream felt as unexpected as a rainbow appearing out of nowhere. I don’t usually indulge in things like dream interpretations—they often feel superstitious. But right now, when my life feels unsteady, I find solace in the idea. Perhaps this small thing is what I need: a breather, a gentle reminder that the universe can offer something vague yet meaningful, disguised as what we’re searching for—a sign, validation, or reassurance. Sometimes, it’s enough to calm the heart and quiet the mind, a reminder that the world isn’t conspiring to overwhelm us. We’re just too caught up in our own doubts, letting them dull our excitement.

I hope to look back on this entry in a few months and see how far I’ve come. By then, I hope I’ll have adjusted to this new chapter of life. After all, there’s no way to deal with it but to face it head-on.

Good luck, friend!