The Best First Impression

I think I had more moments of muttering ‘she really looks like Dakota Johnson’ under my breath than taking in what the film was trying to tell me.

Again, it was bad of me to hop right off the bat on the Letterboxd discussion after I finished The Worst Person in the World. But I couldn’t help it. It was the only safe place where I could free my thoughts and find reviews from someone I do not know but who knows the film I watched. To my great surprise, The Worst Person in the World is yet another film where I didn’t enjoy it, but people on Letterboxd did. It was rated an elusive 4.1 stars, and the top reviews almost brainwashed me into liking it, only to end up feeling somewhat guilty for not being able to connect with the film as they did.

I remember that the first encounter I had with this film was when I was scrolling through Twitter. My thumb was on its usual pace—sliding up on my screen with practiced ease, indulging in quick tweets, retweeting, and quoting posts as I pleased. Suddenly, my thumb glitched for a moment as I saw an interesting tweet, and I had to scroll back.

In the post, there were four stills from one scene of a film, and it says:

I wasted so much time worrying about what could go wrong. But what did go wrong was never the things I worried about.

It wasn’t exactly comforting for me at that moment when I came across it, but weirdly, it stuck with me. After a while, I also stumbled upon a couple of reels about this film on Instagram, highlighting other relatable quotes. Although I wasn’t intrigued, I still decided to save it offline to my watchlist, just in case I felt like watching it.

Then, I watched it. And I finished it yesterday.

I believe it took me about three days to complete it. Still, it wasn’t bad, unlike ‘Dune: Part Two,’ which I think I couldn’t continue watching.

The film reminded me of turning pages after every chapter. It’s like a book—perhaps a book of life? A life of a woman in different phases as she makes choices—good or bad—then goes through different and ever-changing decisions. She discovers herself through people, and these discoveries make her realize what she needs and wants. Despite being a relatable topic, particularly for people going through existential crises, I wasn’t expecting it wouldn’t hit me as I hoped. Unlike others who proclaimed the film was about them, I was among those questioning where I fit in.

The Best Feeling

Yes, the film briefly touched on a relatable topic at the beginning, where Julie jumped from one career to another. Like her, I felt I could do anything if I put my mind to it. With my degree, which people boasted was broad and could offer me a wide range of possibilities, I found myself lost after I graduated. There, I realized that being a jack of all trades basically means being a jack of nothing. From dreaming of writing, I found myself formatting CVs months after graduation. I kept trying to convince myself that I shouldn’t pressure myself, as the first job should be a great reflection of my professional endeavors. I was far from okay when I started working. To put it simply, I was depressed, hopeless, and lifeless. If that’s how death feels, then maybe I was dead all those times. However, one thing pulled me back from the darkness: writing. I was already past my probationary period when our department enthusiastically announced a short film contest for our year-end celebration. In our team, I was unanimously assigned to direct and write the script. There, I started connecting with people and realized that my love for writing brought me back to life.

After two years and seven months, I decided to shift in another career direction. I blindly accepted an offer from a graphic design company as a Project Associate. The lump sum they offered me upon employment turned out to be a trap that led me into another deep hole of immense hopelessness. In my second job, I experienced an unreasonable extension of working hours, micromanagement, and a lack of training. Once again, I lost myself in the pursuit of growth. After nearly a year of hurried learning, I finally listened to my body and my desire for peace. Enough of the mistreatment, lack of sleep, and frequent illness due to work stress. So, in the first week of January 2023, I submitted my resignation. It felt incredibly liberating.

Now, I work as a Business Assistant for a small Australian company. Speaking this way, I found the film relatable. We are shaped by our decisions and determined by the outcomes we risked everything for. We are not constant or absolute; we are human—evolving, developing, still making mistakes, learning, unlearning, and relearning. Our fates are not linear; we are confusing little creatures pushed and pulled by our emotions, rationality, practicality, and idealism.

The Best Life

When Julie broke up with Aksel after being together for years to embrace uncertainty and thrill with Eivind, I mumbled, ‘That’s life.’ The same thought echoed when the film reached its closing chapter: Julie spotted her ex-lover Eivind waiting outside with his toddler. She discovered that the actress she had photographed was his wife and the mother of his child. I understood by how things went to in the last stretch of the film, Julie had a miscarriage, broke up with Eivind, and finally pursued her photography dream.

I recall that neither of them wanted children. Perhaps that shared principle brought them together. However, when Julie broke the news to him, both were devastated. Yet, seeing Eivind with his child and wife reminded me of Summer in the film ‘500 Days of Summer.’ Summer adamantly believed she couldn’t commit to something serious, but ironically, life unfolded exactly the opposite—she got married, and she found with the other man what she wasn't able to find with Tom.

Life. That’s life, and life happens.

Despite our mistakes and the lessons we’ve learned, we couldn’t help but still feel bad. We hurt others and ourselves in the process, which sometimes led us to believe we were the worst people in the world. Isn’t it easier to believe bad stuff about ourselves? Well, at least for me.

The Best Mother

After their breakup, Julie and Aksel reunited for the first time in a while. Unfortunately, Aksel was already in the hospital, battling cancer. He spoke kindly of Julie, but she seemed resistant to accepting his praise. She struggled to believe she was a good person, even when he tried to convince her otherwise. During one of their conversations, Julie asked Aksel the very question she had avoided when they were still together:

“Will I be a good mother?”

Throughout the film, Julie went through a lot. I empathized with her as she defensively guarded her vulnerabilities. However, there was a shared moment with Aksel—a moment that felt like a release. I sensed the weight of her emotions, as if her tears resonated deep within me. She was so scared of becoming a mother.

Aksel wanted to have a child with her but Julie explained that she couldn’t yet, as she had personal dreams to pursue as a woman. Ironically, after their breakup, Julie became pregnant—unexpectedly—with someone else who also didn’t want a child. In the end, that someone, Eivind, still became a parent even after they went their separate ways.

Life. Life is ironic, isn't it?

The Worst (Best for Her) First Meet-Up

I’ve heard stories from people—mostly some are passed down by mouth like folklore. Couples who spent a decade or less together, some already engaged, suddenly split apart. Shockingly, one of them announces their marriage to someone they met just months after the breakup. How is that even possible?

As for Julie, her situation with Eivind wasn’t exactly the same. Were they both tired of the monotony in their separate relationships? Did their chance encounter at an after-party—where Julie gatecrashed a wedding—ignite a different kind of thrill? Perhaps it offered a break from their usual routines with their partners.

Imagine meeting someone and convincing each other that certain things aren’t cheating—only to realize you’re doing exactly that. Flirting, spending the entire night together, sharing wine, and even watching each other pee—it sounds absurd, yet it surely stirs emotions. When they had to part ways and take opposite directions, I knew it wasn’t the end between them.

Then, they met again. In her bookstore.

The Best Decision

Days, perhaps weeks later, Julie woke up with a decision. Turning off the light while Aksel was pouring her a coffee, suddenly, and oddly, had the world around her paused— including Aksel. This scene was among the least that resonated with me. It deviated from the reality of how the story was going so far. If they meant it metaphorically, I felt like there was a better way to execute it?

Nevertheless, the world stopped, leaving only Julie and Eivind breathing in that moment. They seized the opportunity, kissing each other endlessly. It became the turning point of their lives—Julie broke up with Aksel, left their flat, Eivind did the same thing, and they got together with life anew.

But of course, the film didn’t end there. They were blissfully happy...at first. However, as they got to know each other, they discovered differences despite their similarities, and those went in their way. The situation worsened when Julie learned she was carrying their child.

Perhaps this realization drove Julie to visit Aksel in the hospital. They spent almost a day conversing just like the old days. And just when I thought the film wouldn’t offer any solace, their final moments together before Aksel’s passing became my favorite scene. Here are a couple of the lines from Aksel that pierced my heart:

You were the most important relationship in my life. You don't have to say anything. I know it's not the same for you. That's normal. You have many years left to live. But I know, I feel it. And I want you to know. You were the love of my life. You're a damn good person.

I think the greatest compliment I’ve received was when someone told me, ‘You look happier.’ It came from someone I wasn’t even acquainted with. Hearing Aksel say that Julie was the most important relationship in his life, I couldn’t imagine how that would make me feel. Aksel wasn’t being romantic, but the relationship they shared went beyond what most couples experience. For him, Julie was his soulmate. She made him feel loved, which is more than enough to tell someone they are a good person. We all make bad decisions, but that doesn’t inherently make us bad people. As humans, we learn from our mistakes and strive to unlearn them. As long as we keep trying to be good people, we already are.

The Best is Yet to Come

Yet, it’s still hard to convince ourselves of this. Even I am still learning how to forgive myself every single day. Whenever I make a bad decision, it overshadows the good ones I’ve made in the past, and I find myself stuck in a continuous pattern of self-blame. This leads me to dwell on the past and drown myself in what-ifs.

What could my life have been if only…

What if I had done things differently…

So, I found it relatable when Aksel said the following line:

Not for that long. In recent years. I reached a point in life when suddenly... It just happened. When... when... I began to worship what had been. And now I have nothing else. I have no future. I can only look back. And... It's not even nostalgia. It's... Fear of death. It's because I'm scared. It has nothing to do with art. I'm just trying to process.

I’m almost 26, and it feels as though life has passed me by. My early twenties were filled with missed opportunities that I didn’t fully seize. As we age, we reminisce about the past, wishing we could have made it our glorious history if only we had been a little braver and faced our fears. However, like Aksel, the only thing we could do is to look back now.

Seeing Aksel and Julie during their vulnerable moments together made me wonder how life would have unfolded if Aksel hadn’t been diagnosed with cancer.

Still, I don't think they would realize the things they said to each other that day. Julie might not have rediscovered her passion for photography if events hadn’t unfolded as they did. At the end, we only yearn to tap ourselves, in the essence of Julie's character, and hug her and say to her what Aksel said to her:

If I regret one thing, it's that I never managed to make you see how wonderful you are.

Let's try our best to make ourselves see how wonderful we are, even amidst moments of self-sabotage when we feel like the worst person in the world.